Madness of an Emperor
by The Greycloak Wanderer
Summary: Have you ever wondered what went through Ken's mind as the Digimon Emperor? Here is a glimpse into his madness


It isn't as though I'm crazy. Well, not in the insane asylum sense. Yes, ever since I lost my brother and found the black digivice, I do hear voices. That doesn't qualify me as crazy. But, then again, what does qualify a person as crazy? I can hardly remember the orders I gave and the choices I made as the Digimon Emperor, yet I remember it too clearly. It was like somebody else was controlling me. I mean, I don't even remember the choices that led up to me becoming that evil. I just made them. It was the voices. It had to be. They were the ones controlling me, they were trying to make me insane. They never gave my conscious thoughts a rest. Not back then, and certainly not now. Sleep is the only way I can really escape them. Well, that and death. Don't think I haven't thought about suicide. But, I'm not sure if my part is really done, so I'll stay for a while yet.  
I'm glad I don't have any real friends at my school. After all, what what are they for? To intrude on your thoughts? To talk when you want to be alone? To say something when silence is best? Sometimes, even the other Digi-destined are too much. Yes, Davis could be a good friend, but he also could be a self-righteous bastard. For him, we can do everything, nothing is beyond our reach. He's courageous far past the point of stupidity. Yolei, she seemed too kind, too friendly. She could be okay, but also annoying, too sure of herself, past the point of cocky. Occasionally over-bearing and over-zealous. TK, TK hated darkness with a passion. And that is what I was, and still am, darkness. So he hated me with a passion. They all did. Except for maybe Kari. She was even more an Angel of Light then she knows. When I saw her in the first few encounters, all I thought was that they had a pretty face on their side. But, both after and during my reign, I started to see more and more of who she really was. That and Wormmon's death brought me back more then anything else. But much more different then any of the others was Cody. I think if anybody could get into my mind, it would be him. Even though he's the youngest, he's older then any of them. He's been through a lot, and he's going through even more. I could tell when I first saw Cody, that he had something other then defeating me going through his mind. You know why I think Cody hated killing digimon so much? He killed a human being before. That's just my opinion. But this I know for a fact, just by talking to him and seeing him respond to the other Digi-destined, he was, and is, surprised by actually having friends. Close friends, not the casual kind in school. Hell, I even have those. No, he was surprised that someone was genuinely interested in him, and not his abilities. You want to know another thing we have in common? He loves Kari too. I don't give a damn about his age, so don't tell me he's too young to be in love. He's been through more then any of them, even TK and Kari. I believe he is really in love, as am I. TK and Davis, they haven't known the absence of love, so how could they know the reality of it?   
As for the older Digi-destined, I don't know enough about them to be sure, but here's what I think. Tai is too much like Davis, or vice versa. He is more mature, but he's supremely confident that he can come out on top in any situation. That kind of confidence is foolish and can get you killed. Izzy, I liked Izzy. Not only because he was a genius, but because he didn't feel the need to talk when there was silence. Just something about him, maybe it was that he liked to be alone. I don't know. Jyou seemed okay. I haven't gotten to know him that well so I can't say. But he does seem to worry about everything, which can get you killed as well. Mimi was like Yolei. Kind, caring, and more then a bit whiny. I can't stand people that complain. If Tai was like Davis, Sora was that much more like Kari. She was kind, but not oppressively so. She was interested in you, but only as a friend, and she could and would back off.  
And last, there was Matt. Matt could have been me. In fact, in a way, he was. He attacked his friends, went off to find himself, and ended up in darkness. He had heard voices too. But, he probably still doesn't hear them. They had probably left him alone. He had probably made peace with himself.  
I would never be able to do that. They have too much to say about me. There is too much truth in what they say. But are those really voices? Or are they actually me? Are what they say, actually my thoughts? Maybe what they suggest is what I really want to do. I don't know. I hope not. But, somehow, what they suggest really isn't that far-fetched to me.  
Suicide seems all too common now. At first, it disgusted and amazed me. It amazed me in the sense that I would actually consider it. Later, it intrigued me. What would happen if I slit my wrists, or if I put a gun to my head? I wasn't sure, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out. And finally, it seemed like an old friend. One calling me to be home. One that wanted the best for me. One that I could trust. But, could I really trust that old friend? What if it was calling me too early? What if I left, then something happened and they failed because of me?  
I hate questions. But I'm not sure if I would hate the answers even more. Okay, forget the dying part. Say I wasn't even born. Would anyone's life had been different? The Digital World would have been better off, that's for sure. And maybe Sam wouldn't have died. I don't know if I caused his death, but I was the only one there when it happened.  
I just don't know. The voices know I don't know, and they tell me the answers. Or at least what they think, maybe what I think, are the answers. I really hate life, but if I left I probably would be needed. So I'll just hide these emotions once again. Funny thing is, I've done it so often, that I don't even make a conscious decision to hide. I just do. The voices are quieter at school. That's a good thing. I doubt I would have been able to make it through the day if they were loud. But, I suppose I should wait for life to say it needs me again. Until then, sleep is my only reprieve. And I long for it. Day and night. I just want to be done. When will everything be done? 


End file.
